Just Breathe Read online

  I begin to wonder is she brunette like me or blonde… Is she tall or short…have I ever seen her before?

  I’m so engrossed in my musings that when I look up, I jump back in my seat startled. Jason Varner, a guy from my class is leaning on my desk only inches away from my face looking at me with this knowing smile.

  “Sorry Ever, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says with his best southern drawl, not such a good imitation.

  Oh great, here it comes, word spreads like wildfire around this place.

  He stutters under his breath, “I was, I was just wondering if you would like to see a movie with me this Friday night.”

  I glance around and even though this is an A and B conversation I see waiting, expectant pairs of eyes staring at us. I sigh and turn towards him as my anger surfaces.

  My voice comes out as a hiss, “Just because Michael has moved on and has a date on Friday night, does not mean I want to go out with the entire male population in this school. No, I don’t want to see a movie with you. Not on Friday night or ever, so go tell all your little friends that Ever Harding is not interested.” I say this last part a little too loudly.

  He looks like he can’t get away fast enough and he says as softly as he can while he scans the waiting eyes around him, “I take that as a no then, maybe another time.”

  He turns and skitters away.

  The girl at the desk next to me, Roberta, says in a whiny voice, “OMG, did you have to be so rude? Poor guy.”

  I shrug my shoulders and look away, what does everyone want from me? Through the rest of the class I am the one squirming. I keep getting dirty looks from everyone around me. Counting down the minutes- they can’t tick by fast enough.

  By the time I walk through the door to my third class, English Literature, Gabbi has already heard about my outburst in Calculus. She tries to console me and downplay it. I can’t say it really worked though. I still felt lousy.

  My next three classes pretty much were as I would have expected, lots of whispering and glaring in my direction. I’m sure Michael heard at some point which is exactly the opposite vibe I wanted to put out. Obviously Gabbi isn’t the only one who knows bow that I’m not over Michael Brooks.

  2

  Friday

  The rest of the week brought more gossip about Michael and more gossip about my rejection of Jason. I guess I should have taken it down a notch and been nicer to him.

  He wasn’t the only vulture who flew down to ask for a date when Michael broke up with me though. They just couldn’t see that I wasn’t interested.

  I know it isn’t anyone’s fault, Jason just happened to be asking the wrong thing at the wrong time. The good thing is that no one asked me out for the rest of the week and that is a record considering there were five invites in two weeks. Well, six if you count my failure date with Tad. Just thinking about that night makes me want to crawl under a rock. It was so embarrassing.

  Gabbi will not let this Friday night go. She is convinced I will not be okay at home on a Friday night alone, knowing Michael is out on a date with another girl. I can’t get it through to her that me and reality T.V. are old friends and we'll be just fine. She won’t buy it and Friday after school tells me she will be over to pick me up at eight. Maybe I can suddenly come down with a fever or something.

  ***

  I peruse my closet and choose jeans and a black T-shirt. I am in mourning after all. Gabbi didn’t tell me where we are going but I don’t really care as long as it is where Michael isn’t.

  When she pulls up to my house, I walk out and notice her ensemble is the usual vibrant Gabbi. She has paired green skin tight jeans with a purple flowery tank and a daisy to match in her red unruly hair. She decided on purple glasses to clash with her big brown eyes. It always seems to work for her. I think if I showed up in some of her outfits people would burst into fits of laughter.

  I hop in and ask as cheerfully as I can, “Hey, where are we going?”

  She smiles and starts the car.

  We start driving and the car is silent. It’s never a good sign when Gabbi decides to be quiet.

  I ask her, “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

  She shakes her head smiling, “Nope.”

  I look at her incredulously, “Gabbi, if you do anything.”

  She glances quickly at me frowning and looks forward shaking her head, “Like what Ever? Help you feel better? Help you get over Michael? That’s the whole idea here silly.”

  I shrug my shoulders. Gabbi has been my one constant through this whole Michael thing. I resolve to trust her.

  We pull up to a local hang out called The Rest Stop. It’s a restaurant, arcade, and coffee shop all in one. Besides the movies and the field by the lake, both really just make out places, this is the only local hang out. We don’t fall into the other two categories so this is the place for us. The bad part is that Michael is out and I have an uneasy feeling that we might run into him.

  I panic and turn to Gabbi before she gets out of the car, “Really Gabbi, I have a headache. Maybe you should just take me home.”

  She smirks and shakes her head making me plead with her, “What if he’s here?”

  She smiles and climbs the rest of the way out of the car. I guess I can just sit in the car all night but I doubt she will let that fly. I reluctantly climb out and take a deep breath. I can do this.

  My heart falls as soon as we walk through the door. All of my friends are there hanging out in the coffee shop. They are sitting at the same table as Michael and I presume this Brittany chick. I guess that’s to be expected since we were together for three years. We have the same friends. My heart is breaking all over again at the sight of him with someone else. I turn right back around to head back out the door but Gabbi grabs my arm.

  She whispers, “Ever, this is for your own good. The only way you are going to move on is to face up to it.”

  I glare at her shocked and whisper, “You did this on purpose; you knew he was going to be here with her?”

  I just can’t believe it, what happened to my concerned best friend?

  She nods and admits, “You needed some intervention. I felt like I was losing you. I know you’re mad at me but in the end you’ll thank me. So let’s go get a coffee and join everyone.”

  I can feel my mouth drop at the sheer disbelief of it. She can’t possibly have any concern for me. Feeling very alone all of the sudden. I can’t even respond to her my feelings are so hurt. She looks at the table longingly and makes a deal with me before I can react.

  “If you are still not feeling it after thirty minutes we’ll leave and go to a movie or something.”

  I can barely find my voice. I glance around and eye a chair at the exact opposite end of where they are. As I spot it I notice Reggie Jones sitting at the table. Gabbi has had a big time crush on him for about two years and they are finally starting to talk. I realize some of her motive now. I suppose for one night I can put Gabbi’s greater good above my depression, as difficult as it will be because of her betrayal.

  I glare at Gabbi and tell her, “Thirty minutes.”

  She smirks and we head for the table.

  I glance over reluctantly and meet Michael’s eyes. He nods and smiles. My heart falls because that smile used to be mine- now I’m just an outsider exchanging pleasantries. Get me out of here.

  I look at Gabbi’s pleading eyes. Why do I let her talk me into these things?

  As we approach the table, Michael and a couple of the other guys stand up in greeting and make introductions, as if I don’t already know everyone except her.

  My heart is skipping beats too much, I think. My palms are all sweaty and if I don’t faint I might cause a scene in some other unpleasant way. I sit in the seat I pegged as far away from Michael and his new toy, as I can get. This night can’t end soon enough.

  The group is talking about the new football coach coming to turn our school around. Half of the guys play football and our fearless Knig
hts haven’t won a game in two seasons. A new coach was finally hired and the players seem a little bit excited at the prospect of possibly winning a game. I try to concentrate on the conversation but I can’t help stewing at Gabbi and Michael.

  I’ve been coming here for the better part of my life and never in all of these years have I ever felt so uncomfortable being here.

  Stealing a few glances at Michael’s latest, I notice she is blonde and really skinny. I thought he liked girls with a little meat or more athletic. She couldn’t be more opposite than me. She must feel my stare because she looks my way and glares daggers. I glance over at Gabbi but she is avoiding eye contact with me. I know she doesn’t want to go but come on. I don’t know how much more torture I can take.

  Rachel and Duke are sitting at the table with me. Rachel and I have known each other since seventh grade. We were closer back then. Things really change in friendships when you start dating, I would know.

  Rachel asks, “So Ever, how are your classes going?”

  We don’t have any together this year so we rarely see each other.

  “I guess they’re okay. How are yours?”

  She tells me, “Well, I have Mr. Philips for English Lit and he caught me cheating yesterday, it was really bad.”

  She stops suddenly causing me to look up. She has a pained look on her face and grabs my hand to squeeze it while glancing in Michael’s direction.

  She whispers, “Sorry.”

  I shrug my shoulders and take my hand away.

  Get me out of here.

  Gabbi keeps checking on me when she thinks I’m not looking. The tension is thick around us. My other friend Jamie is sitting a couple seats down. I can tell in between conversations she is checking on me too. She has a ‘poor Ever’ look on her face. I try to smile and assure her that I’m fine but I can tell she doesn’t believe it.

  I should have stayed home. I resolve that when Gabbi tries to get me to go out again, I will hold my ground.

  After everything the night didn’t turn out to be a total loss. Gabbi made some headway with Reggie.

  She doesn’t know it yet but she is going to owe me big for this.

  3

  The Unknown

  As the weeks roll by I slowly feel better. The idea that Michael is dating someone else still pisses me off but the pit in my stomach is slowly dissipating.

  I am looking forward to the start of football season and swim training. Even though Michael is a football player and a good one at that, attending the games doesn’t make me sad or depressed. Our school revolves around the sport and the new outlook with a new coach gives everyone something to look forward to this season.

  The first game is coming up this Friday and of course everyone will be there. I had committed myself to hermitude after the Friday night coffee shop incident. Gabbi persisted each weekend but I held my ground which in the end, I was better off. Last Friday she even left me alone because she finally had her first date with Reggie.

  Unlike most girls who date football players I am not a cheerleader. I know typical of me to break the stereotype but cheering does nothing for me. I prefer the drab wardrobe of an introvert opposed to the cute, frilly cheerleaders. I am friends with most of them and I can squeal like any other girl, just not in public for all to see.

  Instead, I swim. I have been swimming competitively since I was ten. My family and I moved to Pahrump when I was nine. I found that after living in Chicago for the first part of my life with an actual winter and summer, Pahrump was excruciatingly hot so I took up swimming to keep cool. My parents will say that I’m a natural. I don’t know that that is true but I do know that I feel at home in the water, especially when I win a meet.

  I decided that today would be the day I start training, late October before the weather starts to turn when I can still use the lake instead of the community pool. I can’t take the toddlers and their swim diapers.

  I jump in my jeep and start driving the twenty miles to Little Lake. My dad found my jeep in the back of an old car lot and surprised me on my sixteenth birthday. It is a black older model with off road tires. He would bring me to the lake on the weekends and saw that I loved it so much more than the pool. He realized I needed a way to get myself there. I love driving it so the drive to the lake goes by fast.

  As I pull up to the lake it’s just as I’d hoped, deserted. It is best when no one is around. The problem occurs when I have to share it with fishermen. Usually that doesn’t work out and I end up at the pool. Today though it’s a perfectly cloudless sky and not a soul around.

  Gabbi came to the lake with me only one time. She doesn’t swim or play any sports. She is more the brain of our duo. She competes on the math and debate teams. She decided one day last season she would come for moral support and to spend some girl time since all of my off time was spent with Michael. Anyway, she hated it. It was spring so the ducks were out in full force. She is definitely not a big nature girl.

  That decided it for me, the lake is mine alone. It’s the only place I can come where no one will bother me.

  The tall grasses surrounding the lake are usually a beautiful vibrant green in spring but now they are turning to sages and browns with the change of the seasons. I undress to my suit, stretch my arms and legs before wading in. The water is warm but feels refreshing because of the slight chill in the air.

  I start out slowly and gather momentum with each stroke and kick. My body knows this feeling so well. I know I should take it easy for my first train of the season but this Michael thing makes me push harder. My muscles start to ache. Everything feels so much better after a straight hour of swimming. I lie on the bank and bask in the setting sun while savoring the warm fall day. My body feels completely refreshed on my drive back home.

  ***

  The next day I drive over right after school for my second day of training. My muscles are sore from yesterday but I decide to push myself again. After all what is muscle memory all about? It feels good to have something to focus on that doesn’t involve the opposite sex or the L word.

  I strip down to my suit and wade in. After about five laps in my own world, I start to feel a shiver up my spine as if someone is watching me. I stop and tread water while glancing around. I must be imagining things. No one is around so I start the laps again. As I’m trying to focus on my breathing, I see something in my peripheral vision to the right of the lake and stop again. Now I’m starting to get spooked. Maybe there’s an animal on the bank of the lake. Possibly this is a sign I need to leave. I stop again and look around. Something catches my eye. It looks like little bits of light jumping up and down over the tall grasses in the same spot. I envision someone with a flashlight. That doesn’t make any sense though. I probably wouldn’t be able to see it from this distance or with the bright sun shining.

  I drag myself to the bank and rush to put on my shorts and tank. I round the grasses to the right of the lake trying to walk softly, but the dried grass crunches under my feet. It takes me forever to get around the lake but I don’t want to startle whoever or whatever it is. What are you doing Ever? Leaving would be the best choice in this situation. Have you never seen a scary movie? I continue walking curious, trying to ignore my inner voice.

  As I round the last corner I notice a person lying in the grass on their back. As I get closer I realize it’s a boy with dark hair about my age and he is listening to music through ear buds. His eyes are closed and he is doing something with his fingers. I see light bouncing up and down again almost like he is shining a flashlight around to the beat of his music. But I can’t see anything in his hands. As I get a little closer I can see the light is coming from him. As if it is radiating out of his fingers. I stumble backwards in shock.

  My feet stop suddenly and my breath hitches in a frightened state. Realizing I need to get out of here before he realizes someone else is here, I quickly turn around glancing back and as quiet as I can, jog in the other direction. I don’t stop to look back again my body b-lines
straight for my jeep on the opposite side of the lake. I hope he didn’t see me.

  I start the jeep flinching at the sound of the loud engine and glance in the direction of the opposite bank, still no sign of him. I take a deep breath and put the jeep in reverse. Whatever it is I don’t want any part of it. I drive for a while sans music thinking about what I just saw. What in the world? There has to be a logical explanation. Maybe he had something in his hands after all.

  This was the first night of the dreams.

  4

  The Boy with the Golden Hands

  I went home and decided not to repeat what I saw. After all I am in a state of heartbreak still, aren’t I? I was unusually tired and turned in early, which of course alarmed my mom who had to go through the whole battery of taking my temperature and a thousand questions. I swear my parents know when anything unusual happens to me. My brother is the one who usually gets off question free. It is so not fair.

  I’m running through the brush and grasses along the bank of the lake looking back frequently for something behind me. The grass is so dry it scratches my legs causing paper thin cuts that seep tiny drops of blood. My feet keep getting caught causing me to trip. My breathing is coming out so ragged, I’m sure my heart will burst. It feels like I am running for my life. I trip a final time and it feels as if someone has caught me. A strong hand grasps my arm and a voice calls out,“Gotcha!”

  I wake with a start holding my breath while sitting straight up in bed. Then I start panting really hard and it feels like I just ran a marathon. After I catch my breath I get out of bed to get a glass of water. The dream made me so thirsty. I’ve never had a dream that felt so real like that before. My body starts to calm after a whole glass of water but I’m not sure I want to venture sleeping again. Checking the clock I find that it’s only three o’clock in the morning, ugh. I still have three and a half more hours until I have to get up for school. I decide to try to sleep some more, all I need is circles under my eyes in the morning.